Follow up 9 months later [to my post at the bottom of the prior page] - @Erin was able to get my workflow to run on her Server.
I had a mistake in there where I had a Browse to show the result, which Erin fixed, but even with the bad Browse, it runs fine and just says "no outputs" vs all the "0 True, 0 False" messages I was seeing. She also got it fixed to properly produce an output.
I have no idea what was happening to cause all the filters to fail and don't have access to that machine to test again, so I'm calling it aliens :shrug:
