Thank you for your helpful suggestion!
Actually, I didn't think of the Summarize tool in this context at all, but I agree that I could use it to replace the "Unique" tool making my first solution less confusing. Or did you refer to something else?
Hey beautiful people. Here is a SUPER convoluted way to solve this. I'm posting my first draft of it so I'm sure by the time you read this, I will have devoured the solution and have committed to memory a method to tackle this type of problem more efficiently. In any case...enjoy this crazy version.